The term “daddy issues” gets tossed around a lot, but most of the people doing the tossing are getting it all wrong. Learn the real meaning behind the term.
It’s become a catchall term to describe almost anything a woman does when it comes to sex and relationships.
If she has sex “too soon,” doesn’t want to have sex, or is looking for reassurance, she’s got “daddy issues.”
If she prefers older men, likes to get spanked and called a bad girl, or calls her partner “daddy” in bed, it must be “daddy issues.”
To set things straight and get you in the know about this almost always misused, misunderstood, and overly gendered concept, we reached out to Amy Rollo, triple licensed psychotherapist and owner of Heights Family Counseling in Houston, Texas.
What does it mean to have ‘daddy issues’?
It’s hard to say, seeing as how “daddy issues” isn’t an official medical term or recognized disorder in the recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
This could explain why many experts have an issue with the term, including Rollo.
“For the record, I don’t believe in the term ‘daddy issues,’” Rollo says. “Many see this phrase as a way to minimize females’ attachment needs.”
Children need a dependable adult in their lives to form secure attachments, Rollo explains.
“If this isn’t formed, many people can form avoidant or anxious attachment styles. If a child doesn’t have a father figure in their life consistently, this could lead to an insecure attachment style later in adulthood.”
She adds that, for many people, these attachment styles ultimately present as what some refer to as “daddy issues.”
Where did the concept of ‘daddy issues’ originate?
We can’t say for sure, but the consensus seems to be that it dates back to Freud and his father complex.
Freud used the term “father complex” first in his 1910 paper “The Future Prospects of Psycho-Analytic Therapy,” where he wrote about male patients and their resistance to treatment derived from the “father complex.” The term “complex” is Jungian, so Freud and Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, coined the term “father complex” together.
From that theory came the Oedipus complex. The terms “Oedipus complex” and “father complex” were the same, but Freud used “Oedipus complex” more frequently in his work.
Oedipus complex refers specifically to boys with unconscious sexual urges toward their mother, often resulting in feelings of guilt or castration anxiety. According to Freud, this is a natural developmental phase all boys go through.
Electra complex, a concept introduced by Jung, is used to describe the same theory as applied to girls and their fathers.
Can someone have both ‘mommy issues’ and ‘daddy issues’?
Yep! No two people’s experience with their parents is exactly the same. The attachment patterns formed during childhood can affect your attachment styles in your adult relationships.
Attachment styles are categorized as being either secure or insecure, with several subtypes of insecure attachment styles, including:
- Anxious-preoccupied: People with this attachment type may be anxious, and crave closeness, but feel insecure about their partner leaving them.
- Dismissive-avoidant: People with this type may have trouble trusting others for fear of being hurt.
- Fearful-avoidant: People with this type may feel unsure about intimacy and tend to run away from experiencing difficult feelings.
Secure attachment styles result from having a caregiver who was responsive to your needs and emotionally available.
Insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, result from having a caregiver who was unresponsive to your needs and emotionally unavailable.
What are some common signs of ‘daddy issues’?
Secure attachment styles typically develop if your caregiver readily met your childhood needs.
As you can probably guess, people who have a loving and secure relationship with their caregivers are likely to grow into confident and self-assured adults.
These folks likely have their life together in various aspects, including their close relationships. Their relationships tend to be long lasting and built on real trust and intimacy.
Then there are the insecure attachment styles.
As Rollo pointed out, some insecure attachment styles could look like “daddy issues.”
She explains that they often appear as:
- being anxious when you aren’t with your partner
- needing lots of reassurance that the relationship is OK
- seeing any negativity as a sign that the relationship is doomed
It isn’t just about romantic relationships, either. Your relationship with your caregivers and your attachment style also affect other close relationships, including your friendships. This can be described as an attachment disorder.
Who’s got ‘daddy issues’?
Everyone. “Daddy issues” aren’t just a female thing.
It doesn’t matter what sex and gender you were assigned at birth or how you identify; your relationship with your caregivers will always have some influence on the way you approach and deal with your adult relationships.
The way a person’s issues present might not look exactly the same, and so-called “daddy issues” could actually be mommy, grandma, or grandad issues.
Or something else entirely! No one is immune.
